Anxiety.

She is a raging bitch.

She is controlling and manipulative.

She whispers the worst case scenario in my ear.

She doesn’t give a damn if I have plans to go out. She’ll swoop in out of nowhere and try to lock me in my room.

She has pulled me out of class, and a final exam, for absolutely no reason.

When my boyfriend broke up with me, she convinced me it was because I wasn’t worthy of love.

When I applied to job after job after job, she informed me I would never be good enough for them.

When I stand with a crowd of people, she holds a hand over my mouth and tells me not to speak because I’m annoying. And when I do speak, she yells at me for it.

She zaps me and I’m paralyzed.

She’s a constant companion and I often have to check with her before I make plans or decisions.

One of the first times I met her, she followed me down to the lake, my peaceful spot. She sat with me as I watched the waves gently crash on the rocks, birds flying above us. She cast a dark shadow over me and whispered, “what if you never get to see this view again? How bad can that really be?” That was when I knew our relationship was toxic. She was here to ruin my life, and everything that was good in it. She convinced me she was way more powerful than I was, and that night, she pinned me down to my bed, beating me to the point of tears. I was terrified. My mom had to push her away just so I could get up to take a shower.

She held me captive for way too long. I was offered an internship with Canon that summer, and she convinced me I just couldn’t handle it. The day I got the phone call I was so worn, just from putting all of my energy into fighting her. And so I turned it down. Because of her.

I thought her visit would be short, but she ended up staying with me that entire summer. She followed me everywhere — to the beach, to Port, to the grocery store, to my painting classes. Twice a week I had to drive an hour just to take her to therapy, where I would confront her about all she was doing to me. She even locked me in the house for two weeks, and when I tried to leave she grabbed my arm and pulled me right back.

I started taking Lexapro so she would leave me alone, and even so she tried to convince me I was weak for resorting to medication.

She took everything away from me that I loved. She became my life. And I truly did not feel like that was a life worth living.

That summer was hell because of her. She didn’t want me to leave her to go back to school — she even tried telling me I couldn’t handle it. 

But I did, and that’s when I started learning to make peace with her.

Not by letting her win, and not by knocking her dead. Because I know I can’t kill her. 

Instead I'd gather as much strength as I could hold onto, take a deep breath, kindly ask her to step off to the side, and do what I needed to do.

It turns out that little bit of strength was tremendous.

Going back to school that fall semester was one of the hardest things I ever did. I had to introduce her to my routine, my brand new house, my friends, the things I loved. I feared that she would ruin at least one of those things for me. But I loved those things too much to let her change anything.

She’s like that awful sister that you want to never see or speak to again, but you can’t because she’s your sister (I’m allowed to say that because I’ve never had a sister). You just have to learn how to live with her.

I couldn’t look her in the eyes before. But now I can. In fact I’ve even learned to accept her as my friend. On some days I greet her in the morning, give her a wave, and leave her home all day. And some days she isn’t even there when I return. Sometimes she’ll take a long vacation, for days, weeks, even months at a time. Occasionally we’ll make conversation and laugh about the past.

Which is why I haven’t, and won’t ever, let her win.

She’s an unwanted companion, but by no means a part of me.

Those days without her are breathtakingly beautiful. I never had days like that before she came into my life. Today, I sit at that same spot by the lake and think, I am so thankful I am still here. I am so glad I didn’t even consider listening to her.

She has forced me to fight and that fight has given me more strength than I could have ever imagined. She has changed my life. She has transformed me into the strong-willed woman I am today. Just two years ago I couldn't leave my house without fearing for my life. Now I've moved to a new city where I knew zero people, worked multiple jobs and internships, and am about to graduate from college.

So thank you, Anxiety. Thank you for making me fight. Thank you for giving me that push to do everything to the best of my ability. Thank you for helping me to see how beautiful life really is. Thank you for keeping me on my toes and working hard. Thank you for giving me this experience so that I may be a light of hope for others. Thank you for showing me that I can win any battle.

Especially this one.

Prom night...again

My alma mater had their prom this past week, and luckily I had an excuse to get involved once again. My two lovely neighbors, twins Maddy and Mel who I grew up with, just finished their senior year and invited me to be their pre-prom photographer. It was an honor and a privilege to be able to pose these two girls & their dates and capture them from a variety of different angles. We shared many laughs, and I may have driven them crazy after a while, but I know they had fun (even if they won't admit it). It's a great feeling to do something you love, with people you love, and a bonus while earning money.

Anyway, enjoy! :)

This one is my personal favorite. I will admit though, my mom did have the idea of putting the boys in the shed, so this is our creative insights combined.

I took a hike...

So who really uses blogs anymore? I would guess that most of my followers on social media are getting tired of my posts, and frankly I am running out of social media sites to share my work on. So I'm going back to the old(er) days.

Today, for the first time since my summer job, I picked up Sally (my camera). I went with my parents to a hiking trail near our home, and completely geeked out over nature photography the entire time. And then I couldn't wait to get home so I could go to town editing (that and I tend to turn into an extreme introvert when I'm home...despite how social I am while at school).

Enjoy and have a wonderful day.

A Huge THANK YOU to Megan...

This past semester, I was bombarded with projects for my photography class. Though I enjoy taking pictures, it's a hassle and if it wasn't for my best friend Megan I wouldn't have gotten through it. She always offered to be my model, and not only did I get some great shots of her but we had a blast every time. We would make photoshoots our own little hangout sessions, and share many laughs & jokes. From trying not to laugh in a quiet library, to being chased by strangers in a thrift store, to dancing mindlessly on a tennis court, to trying to block out the particular look strangers give you when you're having a photoshoot in a public space - they've all been adventures and I'm thankful we got to go on them together. So this post is dedicated to Megan (and Zack and Tess who also helped out with equipment, modeling, and keeping me sane during the process). I'm happy to say that I finished off the semester with this series of photos, my final project. 

Just a little bit about the concept: Inspired by David LaChapelle, I went for the look of juxtaposition and vibrant colors. LaChapelle uses models in sort of unexpected scenes to convey different kinds of social themes. I wanted to portray the idea of people being "restrained," in the sense that their childish, whimsical side may come out in a place it's not expected to.

Enjoy, and let the summer commence!

"Speaking Words of Wisdom, Let it Be" (A speech about finding myself).

I recently had an epiphany. It may or may not have been the moment we wait for all our lives - the moment when we discover what we love, what our niche is. In hopes of inspiring someone, or many people, I would like to share my experience.

The past couple weeks have had their rough moments. I've dealt with disappointments. There's been days where I've felt like nothing was going right. I've had multiple breakdowns. I went into a bit of a funk for some time.

During times like these, we all look to be comforted by our friends and family. Luckily, I have an incredible support system and many people who lift my spirits. But in addition to them, I managed to find something that really kept me going.

From 2 to 5 pm on Mondays, I have my graphic design class. I sat in class the other day, prepared as ever to work on this project, and sat down to sketch. I spent an hour and a half with my head stuffed in my sketchbook, and when I lifted it up, ripped the page out and scanned it into the computer, I couldn't help but be amazed at what I'd just created. But I didn't stop there - I started tracing over my sketch in Adobe Illustrator. I wasn't even trying to visualize the final piece - I let my strokes flow, I added one touch at a time, working hard at every little detail. It was one of the most amazing feelings I'd ever felt. In fact, I suddenly looked away from the computer screen, and it was 5 pm. There were only two other students left in the room. I was majorly in the zone - this doesn't happen when I do work for any other classes. I was really disappointed to have to leave the classroom. I just wanted to sit and draw on Illustrator for hours. I love every minute of it. I love the idea that this is something I could apply to a job, a career, a future. Every-day situations. Logos, icons, graphics you see everywhere - I could be creating those. My work could go down in history, and I would treasure every minute of creating it. I would have a job I looked forward to going to every day - I've never looked forward to going to a class as much as I do this one. This is the one class I feel in control of - I feel like I can show up motivated and ready to sit down and work for hours. There's never a moment where I'm bored or don't have anything to do. I'm always striving to make my pieces the best they can be, and if I've finished them, I'll immediately start researching and developing ideas for the next project. I come out of class every day feeling like I worked really hard and accomplished something. It's not the same kind of accomplishment you feel when you complete hours of hard math homework. Instead, it's a relaxed sense of accomplishment. You feel like you put yourself into something. The project you completed was part of your everyday routine. And you can't wait to go back and do more the day after tomorrow.

I came into college as a completely undeclared major. The first semester was extremely dry in terms of school work - precalculus, history of education, honors writing about literature - none of the courses I took really caught my attention. I didn't find myself awaiting these classes often, although I did like history of education since I was considering being a teacher. Counselors, family and friends have always told me that if I was to go into college undeclared, I could take courses that sounded interesting so I could feel out the different fields. I didn't believe them when they said this would help me make my decision, until this past month. 

The only reason I took this course was because I'd declared a photography minor at the end of last semester, and it was one of the core requirements. I've always had a passion for photography. I declared the minor completely arbitrarily - I figured I'd be able to take a few courses in it, and if I didn't like it, I'd drop it. 

Intro to Digital Photography is interesting, and motivating, but Digital Media is where my heart is. I'm absolutely in love. Sure, it comes with complications. The class is long, but in three hours you really have time to develop an idea and go into depth with it. I've spent endless hours in the print lab and the mounting room, but when you look at the final product on a black mount board or on professional photo paper, you get a sense of fulfillment and accomplishment. All your hard work looks back at you and says, "Good job."

I'd always known I loved design. Ever since elementary school, I would doodle in my notebook and work harder than most of my classmates in art class. Teachers always loved my projects. And as I went on to high school, everyone told me I should major in graphic design. I considered it, but I wanted to take the first year of college to try out different classes just to make sure. I think I can say I've found my niche. I've found what makes me happy, what I can spend hours doing and not get bored of it. I love it. Every minute of it.

If at any point in time you're unsure of what to do, let your life take you where it will, and simply follow your heart. You will undoubtedly be led down the right path. And for those of you planning on going to college, TAKE CLASSES!!!

Dress in the Woods

I'm not quite sure what the inspiration for this photoshoot was, but yesterday I had the urge to go out and shoot. I grabbed Sally (my camera), my tripod, an old dress from my closet which I bought from a thrift store in ninth grade, and walked over to the school yard near my house. I made my way up the hill and positioned the dress across the branches. I changed the angle of the camera and the position of the dress multiple times, hoping to convey a variety of different emotions. What I gathered from these was a feeling of being empty inside, or being lost, abandoned, hopeless. Kind of depressing, but that's what photography is for - showcasing our underlying feelings.

Enjoy. :-)

I also got a pretty cool shot of the sunset while I was at it. I did some editing, and to my surprise you can kind of see the sun's halo.

Words of Wisdom

So I kind of disappeared from here for the past couple months - you know how college can be. But I'm home on spring break now, and have more time to let my mind flow. I randomly woke up with this quote in my mind the other day, and I've been doing a lot of design work lately in my photography and graphic design classes, so I figured I'd turn it into a work of art. I'm not sure if this quote originated from anyone, or if it's just something my subconscious mind formed, but I do like it. Life goes on, regardless of what happens, and we can't live in the past. We have to accept the things we can't change, let go, and move on. Everything happens for a reason. Stay strong, hold on. ~